by The NRL finals are here. While the nine teams that failed to make it fly to Bali to lick their wounds and cause some international incidents, the best rugby league players are preparing to thrash each other in the battle for the championship title.
But which bandwagon should the casual football watcher jump on? A proven contender? An underdog? Or the real pick, the Penrith Panthers? (Disclaimer – I’ve been a Panthers fan since kindergarten.)
Related: There’s always next year: What drives fans of teams that always lose? | Alex McKinnon
Here is a practical guide for fair weather fans.
Melbourne Storm
It’s a tough business. The Storm, a well-funded team of Queensland expats in a city that is at best indifferent to rugby league, have set the benchmark for excellence in the NRL for most of their history. With fullback Ryan Papenhuyzen and his dirty mullet haircut in full swing after years of horrific injuries, the Storm are heading toward their umpteenth Grand Final with the smooth predictability of a Swiss watch.
Barracks for when: You support Man City in the Premier League.
Barracks against if: They want to see trainer Craig “Bellyache” Bellamy finally have an anger-induced heart attack.
Penrith Panthers
Over the last five years, the Panthers have gone from being “almost good at times” to being one of the competition’s “Big Three.” Nathan Cleary’s prowess at halfback and his indomitable chin have led Penrith to three consecutive championships. With club giants Jarome Luai and James Fisher-Harris leaving at the end of the season, the Panthers are looking to make their mark on the game one last time.
For many people, the thought of the same team winning the competition four years in a row is about as enticing as watching NRL 360 on Fox Sports. For true aficionados (Panthers fans, for example), it’s the chance to see a sporting feat that may never be seen again.
Barracks for when: They want to witness history.
Barracks against if: You have no romance in your soul.
Sydney Roosters
The Roosters looked to be genuine title contenders before season-ending injuries to playmakers Sam Walker and Brandon Smith. While their championship hopes have been dented, the Roosters are set to play some highly entertaining football in the finals, particularly if captain James Tedesco’s bum continues to have an uncanny tendency to burst out of his pants.
This is also the final year of the partnership between the Roosters and purveyors of fine chicken, Steggles – objectively the funniest sponsorship deal in sport, so that’s something.
Barracks for when: They believe that the ways of the football gods are mysterious.
Barracks against if: They believe that the football gods do everything for a reason.
Cronulla Sharks
The Sharks have been the worst team in the NRL for a number of years, comfortably getting through the regular season but crashing out in the finals. With exciting young talent like centre Kayal Iro, finally rid of Scott Morrison’s cursed Shark Park presence, and a strong group of players with superfluous Ys in their names (God bless you, Blayke, Braydon and Jayden), 2024 is as good a year as any for the Sharks to shed the “choker” tag and prove the haters wrong.
Barracks for when: They want to reclaim the phrase “Let’s go, Sharks.”
Barracks against if: They, like Captain Cam McInnes’ mother, are worried sick about his battered face.
Cowboys from North Queensland
The only Queensland team to make the finals this year, the Cowboys are back in top form after a rollercoaster season and are arguably the most underrated side in the top eight. At the end of the year the club will also say goodbye to Kyle Feldt and Jake Granville, two veterans of their legendary 2015 Grand Final win, and will look to send them off with a bang. With any luck they could repeat their fairytale finals run of 2017.
Barracks for when: They like feel-good stories.
Barracks against if: They live south of the 29th parallel.
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
The heart and soul of south-west Sydney, the once mighty Bulldogs, are in the finals for the first time in eight years – and in true Doggies fashion, they are making life difficult for their fans before they have even started.
After a year of exciting, stoic football, things have gone downhill for Canterbury-Bankstown over the past three weeks. Back-to-back defeats in the final two games of the regular season were made worse last week when star winger Josh Addo-Carr reportedly tested positive in a roadside drug test.
Barracks for when: They love an outsider.
Barracks against if: They disapprove of stories about drug testing.
Manly-Warringah Sea Eagle
The Sea Eagles, this year’s underdogs, somehow beat the Storm, Panthers and Roosters in the 2024 regular season, but also lost to the Wests Tigers. If the bodies of ageing stars Daly Cherry-Evans and Tom Trbojevic hold out long enough, the Sea Eagles may have the best chance of ending the Big Three’s nearly decade-long dominance of Grand Finals. If not, they’ll be back to playing drunken punters on the Corso.
Barracks for when: They enjoy players with three surnames.
Barracks against if: They have friends south of the Harbour Bridge.
Newcastle Knights
The team with the least chance of making it to the end and therefore the romantic choice. After years of doldrums, including three consecutive defeats following the bankruptcy of their billionaire mining owner, the Knights have finally made it to two finals in a row and are hoping to relive the glory days of the Johns brothers. If they somehow make it to the final, you can expect the celebrations at the Hunter to be on the Richter scale.
I also have it on good authority from family members who have no interest in rugby whatsoever that Kalyn Ponga is the best looking man in the NRL. That’s not a high bar but it’s certainly something to consider.
Barracks for when: They believe in miracles.
Barracks against if: They want justice for the Dolphins.
